This original draft which was the 2 early paragraphs had been staying in the draft bin for so long.
My life as a bureaucrat, that is one who works in government institution has hit 17 years minus 7 years I spent back in college/university. Fairly counted it's "only" 10 years that I have worked my ass off 8-5 daily. And it's becoming more and more unbearable to think how I would be able to enjoy the rest ... years before I hit the retirement age.
Being a bureaucrat/public servant/official in a developing country, is not for a sensitive person. This I realized finally when I saw an interview a mere weeks ago, between a female mayor and a famous tv host(ess). This mayor, with a rising popularity for her integrity aka her "stubbornness" to refuse to compromise with corrupt parliament, came to tear when she could not bring herself to describe the pressure she's facing. This pressure has led her almost resigning (but she apparently decided to endure), and her determination not to run for higher position (but who knows, time will tell, and people, let alone decisions, change). I, being a sensitive person myself, as a matter of course, came to tear as well.
For the 10 years I spent serving the country (cough2), perhaps there was a mere 6 months or so period in which I could call myself enjoying my work. The rest of it, I survive with distractions, sweet-lemoning way of thinking, and most of all the little-but-indeed-exist happiness that comes with security and predictability. The 6 months period was a working period between my college graduation and my first graduate program. I was young and enthusiastic, working to assist 2 bules (ADB consultants). Setting aside the pro-cons of the foreign aid benefit to developing countries, I was really enjoying my work with them. Six months of talking English daily improved my English and that progress alone probably was a source of professional happiness. But a greater happiness was that although they were a lot older (both were presumably past their 50s or even 60s) and way higher in position and in academic level, I felt way way more relaxed than when dealing with high rank officials in the Ministry.
Until now, I still have the uneasy feeling dealing with bosses in the Ministry. After coming back from my last studying period, I earned a promotion and now in the middle manager level. I have now 14 subordinates. While I can't complain much about my relationship with them aside from my lacking skill to encourage them to work harder (we get along better in the fun side), I stil have a lot of trouble getting along with superiors.
On a heavier note, my real work challenge actually comes from dealing with sensitive and controversial issues as public policist. There are many times I feel helpless and frustrated seeing no progress or betterment in the bureacracy and the way things work around me. This statement I realize can be dangerously false. I've heard many times from the outsiders (world bank people and the likes) that actually public financial management in Indonesia has been improving a lot. Indeed, one coin have two side of a very different picture. As I can't ignore we have progresses, they are not fundamental. People's attitude toward working needs to be drastically changed, especially in the bureaucracy. Maybe obvious red-tape-ing is reduced a lot, but the more subtle yet substantial inefficiencies and 'legal' misuse of public funds remain prevalent. I need a whole book to write this issue alone.
Last year I embarked on a new journey to try out venturing the business side of me. For that, first of all I had to embrace and accept my guilty pleasure that is fashion. Lately I have been so into vintage fashion, and dressing frequently in them. So, with the excitement and enthusiasm from finding one's passion, I thought this could be the beginning of my happy ending. Alas, fast forward 6 months later (oh my God, I cannot believe myself it has been 6 effing months!), we (I've been doing it with a partner) haven't moved from the first lot/collection. Until now I am still all giddy when finding good vintages and dreaming of having a real, running well shop someday. But then, the everyday bitterness from bureaucracy beat me, as every end of the day all I want to do is just doing nothing instead of taking care of stocks and maintaining our site.
So, what is it that kept me glued in my bureaucracy chair, position? stable paychecks? a little both of them? I think the last one and a little even more. Around 2 years ago after coming back to work from study, someone lighted up that fire, made me believe that working in the government can make a good amount of difference. It could be the way to secure heaven's gate key, he said. Mushy as it may sound, I believed it. I believe that government makes a country. A good one will lead to a good, well functioning nation that in the end prosper the people. It can happen in here too and I want to take part of the change that would enable it.
The next question is, can I endure the process without getting bitter and worn out when the road seems long, winding and unending? And, where to go if the answer is no?
My life as a bureaucrat, that is one who works in government institution has hit 17 years minus 7 years I spent back in college/university. Fairly counted it's "only" 10 years that I have worked my ass off 8-5 daily. And it's becoming more and more unbearable to think how I would be able to enjoy the rest ... years before I hit the retirement age.
Being a bureaucrat/public servant/official in a developing country, is not for a sensitive person. This I realized finally when I saw an interview a mere weeks ago, between a female mayor and a famous tv host(ess). This mayor, with a rising popularity for her integrity aka her "stubbornness" to refuse to compromise with corrupt parliament, came to tear when she could not bring herself to describe the pressure she's facing. This pressure has led her almost resigning (but she apparently decided to endure), and her determination not to run for higher position (but who knows, time will tell, and people, let alone decisions, change). I, being a sensitive person myself, as a matter of course, came to tear as well.
For the 10 years I spent serving the country (cough2), perhaps there was a mere 6 months or so period in which I could call myself enjoying my work. The rest of it, I survive with distractions, sweet-lemoning way of thinking, and most of all the little-but-indeed-exist happiness that comes with security and predictability. The 6 months period was a working period between my college graduation and my first graduate program. I was young and enthusiastic, working to assist 2 bules (ADB consultants). Setting aside the pro-cons of the foreign aid benefit to developing countries, I was really enjoying my work with them. Six months of talking English daily improved my English and that progress alone probably was a source of professional happiness. But a greater happiness was that although they were a lot older (both were presumably past their 50s or even 60s) and way higher in position and in academic level, I felt way way more relaxed than when dealing with high rank officials in the Ministry.
Until now, I still have the uneasy feeling dealing with bosses in the Ministry. After coming back from my last studying period, I earned a promotion and now in the middle manager level. I have now 14 subordinates. While I can't complain much about my relationship with them aside from my lacking skill to encourage them to work harder (we get along better in the fun side), I stil have a lot of trouble getting along with superiors.
On a heavier note, my real work challenge actually comes from dealing with sensitive and controversial issues as public policist. There are many times I feel helpless and frustrated seeing no progress or betterment in the bureacracy and the way things work around me. This statement I realize can be dangerously false. I've heard many times from the outsiders (world bank people and the likes) that actually public financial management in Indonesia has been improving a lot. Indeed, one coin have two side of a very different picture. As I can't ignore we have progresses, they are not fundamental. People's attitude toward working needs to be drastically changed, especially in the bureaucracy. Maybe obvious red-tape-ing is reduced a lot, but the more subtle yet substantial inefficiencies and 'legal' misuse of public funds remain prevalent. I need a whole book to write this issue alone.
Last year I embarked on a new journey to try out venturing the business side of me. For that, first of all I had to embrace and accept my guilty pleasure that is fashion. Lately I have been so into vintage fashion, and dressing frequently in them. So, with the excitement and enthusiasm from finding one's passion, I thought this could be the beginning of my happy ending. Alas, fast forward 6 months later (oh my God, I cannot believe myself it has been 6 effing months!), we (I've been doing it with a partner) haven't moved from the first lot/collection. Until now I am still all giddy when finding good vintages and dreaming of having a real, running well shop someday. But then, the everyday bitterness from bureaucracy beat me, as every end of the day all I want to do is just doing nothing instead of taking care of stocks and maintaining our site.
So, what is it that kept me glued in my bureaucracy chair, position? stable paychecks? a little both of them? I think the last one and a little even more. Around 2 years ago after coming back to work from study, someone lighted up that fire, made me believe that working in the government can make a good amount of difference. It could be the way to secure heaven's gate key, he said. Mushy as it may sound, I believed it. I believe that government makes a country. A good one will lead to a good, well functioning nation that in the end prosper the people. It can happen in here too and I want to take part of the change that would enable it.
The next question is, can I endure the process without getting bitter and worn out when the road seems long, winding and unending? And, where to go if the answer is no?
