Intuitive Intelligence

This post remained as draft for more than 2 years hahaha ... and I thought it's too cool to be left as draft :p

Am I developing it or what? I was going to write on it a week ago or so, now I was just thinking "it would be nice to have rain now that I am home" and it suddenly did.
Several days ago I had successive splashes of intuition or whatever more appropriate word that I may not know of. First it was about how either my mind can work during off duty, or my body accept pre-order, whichever is just amazing. I usually wake up by alarm in my iPhone set up in appropriate time for morning prayer. That morning I did too, but I saw that my laptop was still on, with the window showing that the automatic prayer call just finished its call. I was thinking how could I not hear the call (from the laptop), and woke up by the alarm only? So I did a little experiment. The next night I set my mind to be awaken by whichever will sound first, and so I was awaken by the prayer call. I was thinking that was amazing.
Second time, I was riding my old, rusty bike, which will make a very noisy sound if the lamp is put on. It was after my yoga session, so it was dark (10 pm-ish), but I didn't turn on the lamp, just brought a very small flashlight, which turned out didn't quite helpful. I forgot what's the trigger but I was thinking seriously (for the first time) to buy a bike lamp. I was thinking I've been not a very good citizen, given all the blessing I got for being here, for example not having my bike registered and all, not even have a proper bike lamp. And then for the first time in my life here in Japan, I was stopped by policemen that night. So I was really pleading guilty. I guess regret was clearly shown in my face, that they let me go, just like that. Two amazing things I could not avoid thinking. First, it's the splash of thought about the bike lamp before I got caught. Honestly, I have not thought about it nor had any guilty feeling before that bike ride night. Second, it's how it looked like the policemen could read my mind or something, that I had just made up my mind I would buy the lamp, that they let me go. Honestly, I wasn't able to display my best Nihongo that night, so it was totally a mind reading I'm telling you.
I know it might sound silly to some people. I don't know why I am so intrigued by this. And why sometimes when I really need it (there are more important matters than bike lamp, hello) my intuition just stop telling :D

My 2014 Self

Dear readers (if any),

What a long-long way since the last time I wrote here. Today, out of no clear reason, suddenly I opened this long-abandoned site, and found myself utterly amused and entertained reading my own ramblings. After all, I finally realize that my writing can have some good impact, at least for myself.

This feeling has brought me some urges to write again. Perhaps, just a tiny-tiny kind of perhaps, I could reignite that will again, the will to write, to tell stories.

That long-long way has brought me here and now, a quite distant reality compared to the ones I had recorded here in this site. My own impression from reading my past life through these posts, is that I had fun life, sociable personality, romantic view on life, and love :p, and innocence. Although from several posts I can also feel some darker days, I can almost picture field of daisies as this site's background. Looking at myself now, I don't think I can claim to have most of those traits anymore. For a couple of years I have come to enjoy a more quiet and solitary life. I dread social and (still) family gatherings, I prefer individual than team work, and I hate bureaucratic (or corporate) meetings more than before, and I don't enjoy too many friendly companies, but I do now treasure more than before: twosome companionship with significant other or a handful of friends that I can enjoy being quiet with.

Was I a closeted introvert? or now an extrovert convert? I don't know, and probably should not care. What I know now, is that people can really change. And if for some reason my reality will again change and life unfolds a new chapter for me, I will be glad if I have some records of my old self, and who knows that like today, I will again thank myself for the entertaining stories.

With that in mind, I had validated the reason for blogging. It was for myself first and foremost.

Higher Equilibrium

I think I can start to question about the principle: “do what you want others do onto you” (or something like that, I forgot the exact aphorism, I am as I say repeatedly very bad with remembering details). What I am saying is, if that’s one way to reach an equilibrium (of a balanced relationship amongst human being), well could there be a higher equilibrium that we can aim? I think there is. And by saying higher I mean: with a more reliable characteristic, more sustainable, truer. I should say I’d rather go with: “do what your heart tells you to do”, no matter what, as long as it rings true to your heart. If everybody search the voice (which dictates our act) in the inside, I tend to believe that we all, in the end will reach a higher equilibrium, the more authentic one. Even if that’s a long way to go, I even don’t know if it’s possible to achieve, as there seems no limit to anything, but at least we are moving higher. Whereas, the first principle, although seems like more possible (easier) to achieve, it stagnates. Not to mention that I think it is almost impossible to work perfectly either.

In other words, the first principle cannot bring us to equilibrium (even in the short term) as well. There seems to be always somebody, due to some reasons, who will violate this principle, maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally, it does not matter. The latter point of view on the other hand, is always perfect, at least from the point of view of the one(s) who stay(s) true to their heart. With this point of view, even when somebody else (by general standard) harms us, when we accept it as their true being, nothing should be regretted, or considered as mistake, because it’s all dynamic (perhaps eternal) process, for all of us to go to higher level.

It depends on our point of view, really, whether to look at things in shorter or longer term, and if longer, how much longer. When you look at things in timeless (or should I say, time-irrelevant) point of view, what we do really makes no different. It only makes different to us whether we acts true or not, in other words, whether it brings us to (closer to) peace or not. I don’t know if it makes sense or not, perhaps I will laugh at it later (perhaps due to my language barrier), just feel like wanting to share. :)

The After-essence of the Ruins

Another favorite quote for me from Sex and the City the Movie is: "twenties are for making mistakes and thirties are for paying for the mistakes ... " or something like that (so lazy to make research for the exact words right now), which is so true for me.

I have realized it even before hearing that line in the movie. No regrets nor substantial complaints were therefore justified for myself during the aftermath of my "true love turned disaster". I've never considered it disaster anyway until recently (but I'd better not record the details because bad memories are not worth remembering). Funny thing is, I don't feel that much anger nor hatred. My overwhelming feeling was more of a relief. No more asking what did I do not to deserve him, etc. Admittedly I have made mistake, probably the biggest one in my life and will just accept the consequence of paying for it.

While paying for the mistake, I am actually learning unbelievably valuable lessons. As Jo-Ann indicated for her new relationship, whatever the result no time is wasted because lessons are learned through it, I hope it applies for me too. One good lesson I have figured out was how to open my heart, to accept love (despite its authenticity obviously, well it's good thing that at least I am capable of loving:-p). I have never opened my heart that wide and held so tight what I thought was the most precious thing in my life before. I may have shut my heart for a while after the break that I thought I may never be able to fall in love again, but looks like it's just like riding bike. Once you learn how to do it, you'll be able to do it again just in time needed. Now, like in riding bike, the more experience, hopefully the more you skilled with the control and balance so that there should be no more fall-out.

Another lesson I am learning is that mystical concept of acceptance and letting go. Acceptance may mean accepting that things may not necessarily happen the way we expected although we have done the best to create them. It's okay that things may not fall into their places as we expected because they actually have, simply as the way they are. It may also mean accepting our weaknesses and others'. Ahh sometimes we may even get to see the beauty of those weaknesses dear, promise*!. And then, letting go will just be the other side of the coin. Let go what must go out of your hold (of course I am talking about much more important objects than my cellphone I just lost recently:-p**).

It's certainly much2 easier said that done, and it probably will take years or even my whole life before I get my aha! moment, but I hope I have made a good start.


* With Tisha's convincing tone, hello dear (hugs)
** This is my announcement that I won't be using my old GSM number any longer. On the ground that I don't wanna put my number in public spot, reach me, if you happen to have (otherwise I will be the one to reach you) through my other number, my friends.

Undepressing the Depressing Moments*

It turns out I'm too busy to search for a new place for my daily dose/scratch paper of my rambling thoughts/elusive tranquility. So, for the time being and a while, I might write even non thematic junks here.

For a couple of days I've been quite depressed, some with quite clear reasons/triggers, but there is always a little dosage of hormone gets involved. But then I found a quite effective counter attack. It's finding my sense of usefulness. Usually, when I feel a bit of stress or gloom, I would feel a glimpse of "nothing I do matters so I better just lay down and do nothing" kinda feeling. I felt it yesterday afternoon when I just woke up from a nap. Yes, a nap I stole from my supposedly on-duty-outside-office yesterday.

I notice some people (perhaps it's lifestyle magazines?) usually suggest something self indulging (or should I say selfish?), like shopping or pampering oneself in a spa to get rid of the stress or depression. But I found the effect is very temporary and even more depressing in the end when the fun is over. It's quite different if you kick your ass up to do something for others, and lose (forget) yourself in it. I don't know how to explain it better, but it was pretty practical for me. I just forced myself to get up, showered, fetched my cousin and accompanied her to find boarding house. A little thing we do for other without expecting any benefit in return. Then I forgot about all the lousy feeling and gradually felt better.

So, when you feel lousy, just stop thinking about it and start doing something not for yourself. Well it was just my one trial (or one consciously observed?) and perhaps what I did was very trivial anyway, so how can I propose this hypothesis already? Well, I really don't know, if you want to know the truth (let's start the Holden time now:-P). But, like Holden himself for example, he felt lousy most of the time, but then his turning point started from the time he stopped thinking about himself and did nice things for her little sister Phoebe**. So, it's about love (not necessarily romance) all over again.

Then when I realized this I started to think how people who never feel like they need to do anything for others without expecting return overcome their stresses, or where do they get their nice feelings from. And also, whether or not this doing things for others to feel nice about oneself should not also be categorized as selfishness. I don't really understand this myself, but sometimes it's wise not to over-analyze things either I think:-p

*supposedly it was my mental notes for my elusive tranquility blog which is about to be relocated but the whereabouts until now is still indeterminable
**Holden and Phoebe Caulfield are main characters in The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger I just finished reading

One of Odd Nights of Ramadhan

Approaching the end of Ramadhan I suddenly got the urge to spend a night at the biggest mosque in Indonesia(or in East Asia), the Istiqlal Mosque. It is quite common for Muslims to spend nights during Ramadhan, especially towards the end, and during the odd nights (nights before the fasting days counts for some odd numbers, I don’t know if you get it:p) in a mosque and keeps oneself awake, because it is believed that one of those nights has a value of more than a thousand months.

This isn’t the first time for me to do such thing. Once a couple years ago, before I left for Japan I guess, I stayed overnight with three friends (or two?) in At Tien, a beautiful mosque located in the Indonesian Miniature Park. The memory has surprisingly become very blurry for me, so that’s why I decided to write it down this time so that I would at least have the record written if not in my mind. Generally though I can still remember the feeling I got in the At Tien and that’s why I couldn’t help but to compare both experiences. The At Tien night met at least my general idea of an I’tikaf night (that is what Muslims called the stay overnight in mosque thing). We came for a prayer gathering led by a rising young cleric known for his soul-touching approach of enchanting holy words, and stayed until dawn afterwards. There were many peoples attended the gathering but I nevertheless got a couple of solemn and contemplative moments.

The Istiqlal night is quite another experience, but don’t rush to judge that it is the worse. I would describe the place as a perfect icon to be the city’s landmark. Located at the very heart of Jakarta and next to National Monument, the surrounding, had we had better condition of pollution and sanitation, may give a heart pounding gaze to anyone. A river (unfortunately not a clean one at the moment) is flowing at one side and a train railway (not yet a monorail nor an MRT one) is passing over at the other side. The mosque is astutely placed right in front of the big beautiful Cathedral. This placement gives a beautiful symbolic meaning of a peaceful plurality (that I believe our country had traditionally had it and hopefully able to regain it if it ever diminishes). Now the more concrete condition I found that night. Many people must be attending night prayers during Ramadhan nights (Taraweh), especially in a big mosque like Istiqlal, so it is of no surprise for me to find such a big crowd there. But the number of people staying over was nevertheless unanticipated for me. Several thousands of people I guess did not leave after the Taraweh, and so the first level was full of people. Some were really doing prayers but not less of them were just lying or sleeping. Then I found out that actually many people never leaves the mosque at all. It is always common that a mosque should be open for anyone, mostly like travelers taking rests, whether they cannot afford a place to rent of simply choose to stay there for more religious reason. It therefore cannot be made forbidden to homeless ones dwelling in it. However, having a view of people washing clothes in the mosque’s bathrooms is quite uncomfortable for me. That night, instead of striving for silent moments to feel the spirituality, I decided to let go my feeling and just ‘enjoyed’ my presence there without hope to get any particular feeling.

After following a seemingly forever prayers (there I realized how praying is a tough ritual when you don’t get the soul of it), it came the time to have the late supper before starting the fasting of the following day. The announcement politely requested people to have the supper on the ground floor to avoid loitering the praying place. I glanced around and saw many people did not bother to leave the floor and just eat there. I momentarily hesitated whether to go down or stay. A lady with a stiff look and voice grumbled around about how ignorant it is to disregard the announcement and eat at supposedly sacred place. So I went down, alone since my friend did not move when I tried to wake her cautiously, and walk around a bit to find a decent space on the floor to eat. I finally sat beside a smoking guy, right next to a door, just enough distance from trash bins. I was consciously grasping my surrounding while I ate. Thoughts are floating my mind. The night sky was not bright nor didn’t I see any star (contrary to the description of the Thousand Month Night we hope to witness). It was grey. People around me were indifferent to each other. Some were notably homeless, some were collecting plastics from the trash bins. I was thinking I must have been experiencing the most meaningful late supper I ever had. The feeling of blessing and fortune overflows my mind and heart as I realize how lucky I am not to experience homeless nights by force.

I might not necessarily meet the Night of a Thousand Months but that night surely gave me almost the same luxury as one.

Bad Morning Day

Yesterday I was so eager to write a post about the incident I experienced in the morning of that day. Then I got so busy at the office that I didn't have really time to sit and write (for a blog post).

I have been jogging every-working-day morning now. I started it last week, and although I got a terrible stomachache (that I had to be taken home by my friend from the office after an almost 4 hours of throwing up everything I was trying to swallow), I still go on with the morning jogging (I am in fact rather proud of myself about this, considering I'm not so crazy about sporting).

So, yesterday was the 3rd jog I had, and I was enthusiastic by the fact that I wasn't arguing with myself whether or not I should jog that day. I took the opposite direction from the previous route (Actually, I just run a square-shaped track of road circling thef block where the house I live located on), but there was nothing special about it. Although there were only few people who should have already waken up by that time in the morning, yesterday some men were sitting and talking by the side of the road (which is not so uncommon here). I was having a dag-dig-dug (slightly faster heartbeat that you can feel) when approaching these bunch of (from afar looked like middle aged) men. And when I just passed them for a second, and almost felt relieved, one of them just shouted: "hey little sister, be careful, don't leave your butt behind". Agghhh I was so pissed off ... and disappointed that my fear was true. At home I checked if my jogging pants were too tight or seen through, but they were fine (I hate it when I realized that I almost blamed myself for looking for such trouble!)

Some people whom I told the story did not react the way I expected. Most of them think that it was just a bad joke and told me not to think about it too seriously. Somebody (from whom I was trying to look for some comfort) even said something like: it's because you're attractive, gosh...I hate him for the moment when he said that. I want to believe that he meant only compliment, but it could also sound like another kind of male-to-female offense.

I think when people start to think that kind of incident is not more serious than a joke (in Japan I could earn a million yen out if this), then we may have a serious problem with our society, or there just nobody care anymore?

PS. This morning I just felt lazy to get up early and run, but tomorrow I will start again and not let myself beaten by such bad joke.

On Return to My Country

I was back to my country at last. Although I cried at Narita, I never thought of my leaving-Japan so much before I arrived at my country for couple of days. Probably before my departure day, I was denying that my dreamy life has an ending, and then it finally reached to its end.

I was in Jakarta for several days before going to my hometown where my parents live and the majority memory of my childhood comes from. It was absurd that I found Jakarta much more annoying than I remember a year before when I came back for vacation. But that is why I don’t really believe that it was factual, I suspect that it was from my biased view, which was more influenced by my own state of mental and emotion. I did not catch any cold (which is a periodic and usual physical challenge for me) nor got thieved (which is not an extraordinary incident in a wild city like Jakarta). Could it be a sign of an improvement, I don’t know, but what I know was that I felt Jakarta was frightening (the feeling which I, compared to most people I know, never felt that bothering before).

When I visited my hometown for several weeks, I found some peace. I made myself busy taking care of my parent, who were fine like they always are, and our old house, which was helpless. I never have been bothered staying in that house except because of that house itself. You must think I am a spoiled kid, but actually I am not, it is my parent who has an unlimited patience, so for them a feeling such as disappointment of that house is still unthinkable. Later on, I will write about my parent, extraordinary people whom I love the most in this world.

When I’m back to Jakarta (for the second time I started to chill again when I took the bus from the airport), I got little amused by a small reunion, with my most respected Prof. Asanuma, in a vintage restaurant, named Kembang Goela (meaning: candy, gpicked by Fau from the reference of famous Jalan Sutra of Bondan Winarno). Once again, I got reunited with the Hitotsubashi people in Jakarta.

When suddenly my sister said she was going to Bali, I couldn’t think for other reaction except, I want to go with her. My eldest sister, despite of her snappishness, always fond of companies, let alone from a sweet little sister like me (please don’t throw up). So off we go to Bali (that was before the bombing, and I went to eat in one of the restaurant which was exploded later on). There were breath-taking things happened along the ways and during the days, probably I should tell them in another enty.

Back from Bali, I still feel that anxiety when I saw the streets of Jakarta. But I was sure that I will lose it again in time. Only time heals all wounds and erases memories. Slowly then I would be able to reconfigure my life.

intersections

ni oku en (200 million yen), thats the most expensive MAP (mutual agreement procedure) case handled by tax accountant worths. in average one case worths 30 million yen. tax accountant is one of the most wanted career here. i knew a japanese guy who gave up his old career and start taking tax accounting lecture in his late twenties, but that time i didn't know that he was just being rational ...

department of psycology in university, my (male) friend said, is one of the best place to find a good candidate for future wife. it may sound silly, but it may be true. a psychologist can be unattached to a fixed job, thus makes her more flexible, as in adjusting to husband's requests. sounds like a mere male-chauvinist's argument, but there might be a small grain of truth in it ...

lawyer is one of the most-earning job in my country nowadays. plus, as seen in a lot of lawyer-as-hero themes in american movies (look at allymacbeal, or even the accidental hero erinbrokovich), it seems like the money is just a good side payment for them ...

at least those three paths were once crossed my "only-smooth-sailing-life" path i've been having. every now and then small doubts come, but summing all up I think I cannot be happier than now. it's just good to realize that GOD gave me those incredible offers, THANK YOU ...

ps. parts of the summing-all-up process can be traced throughout this blog as my poor attempt of summing-all-up. GOD... looks like I got too absorbed by Dan Brown's Digital Fortress that I just created a rotating cleartext sentence ... ;p

y---

A Happy Snowing Ending

Five days in Wako campus, an NTC intensive course on International Tax Treaty Negotiation. Quite interesting lectures was given by Prof Komamiya of Niigata University. My joining the NTA practicum on taxation was not much of a fun this 2 semesters passed. The decision for me to join was solely Prof. Asanuma’s discretionary authority. One of the reasons I suspect is that we have no other more suitable candidate that year, so there was I, a scapegoat. But of course I was honored too, I mean I am not a tax officer, never deal any tax matters before, and zero background about this thing that will come in certain other than death (Adam Smith’s quoted).

While seeing other participants were almost all too knowledgeable for me to compete, I would also have to spend a lot, as the venue of the classes would change every now and then and many times we would have visit in far away places. And for me, by my own expense, while other students as they all sponsored by World Bank, which is the reason why this course was held at first place. Plus, the class (may be just for me, because I don’t have enough background to begin with) was sooo boring…zzzzz… All the effort during the semesters had to be completed by a research paper, which I was expected to be just a wishy-washy, but turned out to be quite serious (as my advisor ‘advised’ me that with my topic I would never meet the committee’s expectation of a good research paper, well… can’t help it). But I was (and probably still, a little miracle will be nice…) hoping for a nice reward after all of this trouble, after all this will give me 4 extra credit, so grade does matter.

And then comes this nice break. While I would have had a long relaxing spring break by this time of the year, now I have to put effort in listening to this treaty, which I would may never have the chance to apply it in the real life (doesn’t mean those treaty negotiators do apply these theories and rationales while making the deals, I wouldn’t know what they actually do while making the deals). But then the lectures were quite interesting. The lecturer’s factor I guess play important part. I wouldn’t be able to imagine had not it’s him who delivers the subject.

And then while staying a week in this asylum (what would you call the place where no internet within more than 100 meters available in Japan?) at night we were craving for entertainment. So 3 nights in a row we went to karaoke, ended by a get-together karaoke party with senseis. Some people do change characters while holding mic (Shimizu, 2005), but it was fun. Today, we’re checking out, and there it was white cotton (snow as called by Nyai) were dancing in the air (why it’ always so spirit-lifting while seeing great beautiful nature phenomenon…?)

Sad moment: when Mega had to leave and went back to Indonesia because of inconvenient news she just received. A hunch she must have been having, after harsh criticism on the unavailability of the internet, finally she managed to open her mails through keitai, and there was it the worrisome news. I hope everything will be fine for her.

Getting Started...oh Not Yet:(

Less sleep, hard thinking and a little party with good food and nice friends exhausted me the day before. Today, waking up at 9.30, with a pile of assignments to be done still couldn't make me get started. So here I am, writing HERE (instead of my term papers or my you-know-what-with-the-first-letterT) again... gosh!

Maybe I will busy myself with my domestic chores instead, that's I guess what most of us do when we don't know what to do but we don't want to relax also. But why wouldn't someone want to relax? I guess relax is a state of mind, not a physical activity. So eventhough you're not doing anything it doesn't mean you are relaxing. But when you're in the middle of something busy, can your mind relax? My GOD...this is nonsense, you deserve doing other things than reading this.