My 2014 Self

Dear readers (if any),

What a long-long way since the last time I wrote here. Today, out of no clear reason, suddenly I opened this long-abandoned site, and found myself utterly amused and entertained reading my own ramblings. After all, I finally realize that my writing can have some good impact, at least for myself.

This feeling has brought me some urges to write again. Perhaps, just a tiny-tiny kind of perhaps, I could reignite that will again, the will to write, to tell stories.

That long-long way has brought me here and now, a quite distant reality compared to the ones I had recorded here in this site. My own impression from reading my past life through these posts, is that I had fun life, sociable personality, romantic view on life, and love :p, and innocence. Although from several posts I can also feel some darker days, I can almost picture field of daisies as this site's background. Looking at myself now, I don't think I can claim to have most of those traits anymore. For a couple of years I have come to enjoy a more quiet and solitary life. I dread social and (still) family gatherings, I prefer individual than team work, and I hate bureaucratic (or corporate) meetings more than before, and I don't enjoy too many friendly companies, but I do now treasure more than before: twosome companionship with significant other or a handful of friends that I can enjoy being quiet with.

Was I a closeted introvert? or now an extrovert convert? I don't know, and probably should not care. What I know now, is that people can really change. And if for some reason my reality will again change and life unfolds a new chapter for me, I will be glad if I have some records of my old self, and who knows that like today, I will again thank myself for the entertaining stories.

With that in mind, I had validated the reason for blogging. It was for myself first and foremost.

After a long while

After a looong long hiatus, I feel like I want to utilize this spot again. I have been having on and off relationship with this spot. Sometimes I feel like deleting it, but then at the same time I don't want to let it go. It's my first blog, and more importantly it had been recording a few but important scenes in my life.

From now, I intend to utilize this spot for opinion-related material. Things I feel like I need to say personally about something that happened outside. Or if it has to be a personal experience, I hope that what's written here would have something a bit useful (be it interesting, inspiring, or note-worthy) for others. While for more random personal posts, I will keep it in a journal here

Welcome myself again :-)

PS: I am planning to change the title though. But until I find a really mind-catching one, I will have to bear with this one.

Rule of No Rules

Here I am again. After several times thinking to delete this blog from the blogworld forever and create a new one, I have to admit I have not been ready yet to start a new one, or to erase the old one. So, while it seems quite strange to have only a couple postings in a year, not in a regular basis either, I decided to drop any the rules applied in my head. I will write and post whenever I like and for whatever subject I’d like to, that’s the only rule that will apply so far.

See you every now and then ;-)

A New Breath

I just checked that my last post was in November 2006. There I was saying that I missed blogging, and then nothing happened...again

I should not have time blogging now, yet I have a really strong urge to just write a sentence or two (though of course I cannot do a post with just one or two sentences).

I've been back in the world of blogs quite sometime, but just as viewer. I realize there are so many good readings we can find in this world, and it's so interesting to me because it comes from real, common people with their personalities attached.

I was thinking of quiting this blog before because I found it non-excellent at all, but then what's wrong with that. When somebody told me that I have symptoms of a mediocre, like doing things always in last minutes, and having too broad interest in this life (I don't know if these are truly symptoms of a mediocre, but if yes I really don't mind being one), I was just laughing happily.

Therefore I feel like I have to write again, despite the quality of my writing. It's a catharsis for myself, and warming touch for my far-away friends...but still provided if I have time and mood ;p

It's been so long, I miss the world...and blogging

It's been so long since my last post. I have been thinking of constantly writing again, but I always end up in saying later, later, in my mind.

I always have loads of material floating around in my head. But there are periods that I don't want to spell it out loud (or in characters). But when I was feeling like opening myself again, letting it out again, I can't find time, and most often words that best express what's in my mind. I just wish I have the ability to write like Jane Austen (why her, cause I'm currently reading a book called "Jane Austen's Guide to Dating"..hahaha).

This year I've been reading lots of book, watching movies, meeting new people, and debating with myself, about a lot of things, and so many of them are interesting to tell. My first intention of having this blog was to have a record of interesting things (not in a very tangible way) I have found in this world, and share with you who care. But through time, I got cut off every now and then by different reasons.

To Jo-Ann, your comment to my last post has pushed me to start again. I wish you can also spare some of your busy time to write yours as well. I love your poems. And your other blog, it's so amusing. Please 3x, write again?

To Tisha, as a professional writer you should be ashamed of not having a post since August! ;))

Welcome to myself...

In the mood for blogging

I'm feeling so many things, but not able to let it all out. When writing seems to be the only way out, I can't find words to describe them.

I always think being able to write is cool. This idea gets even stronger when Carrie Bradshaw suddenly looks especially cool with her old apple notebook. I like reading, thus an ex boyfriend told me that I should try writing. I, on the hope that he was right about his proposition that anybody who like reading must be able to write well, did not jump to start my writing attempt, always with the feeling of not-in-the-mood-yet.

The truth is, I think writers are born. And if I were born to be one, I didn't need to wait for any special moment to start writing. So it was a matter of confidence, because I didn't to find it out at last that I can't really be a good writer. But even so, I was still obssesed with it. I tried many times to write diaries but never managed to have more than three posts.

And so I started this blog. In fact it was more for my friend Tisha, whom I knew is a damn good writer, that I started to explore blogging. And then we each created our own blogs, because I thought it wouldn't be fair for her if we both do posting with such a wide gap in quality of the posts, for one same blog hihihi.... Afterwards more of my friends strated up their blogs too.

Soon I found out that I lack of talent. Although my mind has always been full of imaginations I couldn't really express them well in writing. I also have some kind of barrier which prevent me from putting everything in blacks on whites. Meanwhile Jo-Ann was doing great with her poetry blog and got invited to the US to read out some of her works. Nyai's was also so rich in content I couldn't believe she's not starting her writing career professionally!

I decided (like I said in one of the previous posts) to stop blogging. For quite a long time I did not even have a slight intention to do it again. But then somehow I got it back. For some times I had every now and then ideas to write, but didn't have time to really sit and write them up. Only this couple of days that I finally do it. But this is it, finally I realize that I can't really "write". My stuff is always very so-so and shallow.

Recently I just edited my thesis as it will be published in a public finance journal (it's just a matter of luck, believe me!). In the process I realize how poor it was, I just wish that the committee won't scrutinize it deep enough to recognize its substandard quality hahaha... (I can't wait to spend the money, you see hehe)

Anyway, blogging for this past couple of days has been fun. It actually released me of "kibun-ga-warui", not to call it stress hehe...

Re-introduction* (Post-Hybernation)

It has been so long since the last time I wrote on this blog. There were so many things happened during my hibernation days. Those that I really want to share but I can’t, at least not at this moment. There were times that it felt like it was the hardest time in my life, but I must say that it also felt like the most interesting period of my life, a mental, emotional and at the same time a spiritual journey (whooahh)

I decided before, that I gave up blogging already, but just these past few days, I suddenly got this urge to write again. My first reason is that I miss my friends so much, but somehow I can’t reach them anymore, not directly. I’m not complaining about this, let alone blaming my friends for not being able to be reachable for me. It is myself who is so consumed by my own solitary thoughts, which has never been mine before (sshahh)

Therefore, I’d like to say my warmest hellos for Tisha and Jo-Ann in Manila, are you girls still with me, and Nyai in Tokyo, hope you’re doing fine with your study. Honestly I’d like to reach everybody else, but it was just the three of you that I know are reading this blog (bhuhuhuuu)

Secondly, I just read this book published from a very popular blog of an Indonesian youngster, very interesting. Not that I have an ambition to be able to publish a book out of this blog someday (that would be an annoying copycat, at least I want to have an original ambition, please).

So here I am, in this second day of 2006, starting my blogging again.

(it’s kind of surprising how I like this name despite of my just-occassionally-read-the-manga degree of familiarity to this name)
(* I first thought of resurrection, because I declared the death of this blog before, but I don’t like that word because it remind me of Alien, the movie… sorry but Ijust don’t like that movie)

Getting Started...oh Not Yet:(

Less sleep, hard thinking and a little party with good food and nice friends exhausted me the day before. Today, waking up at 9.30, with a pile of assignments to be done still couldn't make me get started. So here I am, writing HERE (instead of my term papers or my you-know-what-with-the-first-letterT) again... gosh!

Maybe I will busy myself with my domestic chores instead, that's I guess what most of us do when we don't know what to do but we don't want to relax also. But why wouldn't someone want to relax? I guess relax is a state of mind, not a physical activity. So eventhough you're not doing anything it doesn't mean you are relaxing. But when you're in the middle of something busy, can your mind relax? My GOD...this is nonsense, you deserve doing other things than reading this.

first attempt

The day that probably I will record as the most unproductive day of my life (as if I am usually productive). But I think today I have been unproductive in the most unproductive way… what a depressing phrase. First of all I have been doing nothing the whole day … physically, but worse than that my mind has also been blank, empty, condition that I would imagine when a drug addict person is on high.

Usually I feel unproductive when I associate myself with a duty that I am suppose to handle or something, well today I am unproductive in term of my you-know-what (this time with the initial T), but the depressing thing is that I also did not do anything else, as the food to eat is all readily available (thanks to the very productive Tisha, my beloved super productive neighbor, I hate her!), my laundry has been done the day before and plus I have not changed many clothes these couple of days… pathetic!, no preparation needed for tomorrow NTA class, so what could I do to avoid the feeling of unproductiveness then… gosh!! I played guitar a bit but I can tell you there were no mood, no feelings and no improvement in the skill sense so I dropped it. Then I went to read a bit Tax (Taxing Ourselves by Joel Slemrod that Jo Ann cited as a light reading, she even mentioned it’s probably as light as Confession of A Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella)… on bed. And there you go, I fell asleep during time that they say is not a good time to sleep (before dusk, red). So when I woke up I felt worse, and this time I don’t know how to explain the feeling, only that it’s depressing hehehe…

Or this depressing feelings has something to do with the movie we just watched the night before, Leaving Las Vegas? Mei and Jo said they hated the movie because it’s so depressing, and I said I liked it and I was so defensive like I were the part of the production team or something. But it is true isn’t it, I mean you can’t say a movie is bad just because it doesn’t make you feel good, in short I was being objective, the movie was successfully carrying the message, a life as a drunk is so pathetic that it is understandable why being drunk is considered as a misdemeanor. But then now probably it affects me, probably I should have not defended that movie after all…. hehe… ridiculous.

It was actually the last movie we saw (we have a movie marathon party, all girls but instead of renting chick flick movies, like girls usually do, we chose all award-winning movies… try to be more intelligent ha..), the other ones were kind of feel good movies but at the same time not really light too (very good choice!). Monsoon Wedding by Mira Nair and Sliding Doors from who, I didn’t remember the director, but Gwyneth Paltrow was really adorable, either with the long hair in which life she was so miserable but she lived through the end or the extremely short hair in which life she was more fortunate but she died in the end. The good ending comes when in the miserable life she chooses to leave the a**hole and finally met the nice guy whom she would have met earlier in the other life.

In the end actually they were all good choices, although I would say it would be better if we chose another sequence. Now I feel absurd for blaming my depressing-unproductive day on a such innocent award winning film like Leaving Las Vegas. Gosh… but now I don’t know what to blame on at all… BTW this is my first piece of trash, hope next time better.