My Less fashionable Life as Bureaucrat

This original draft which was the 2 early paragraphs had been staying in the draft bin for so long. 

My life as a bureaucrat, that is one who works in government institution has hit 17 years minus 7 years I spent back in college/university. Fairly counted it's "only" 10 years that I have worked my ass off 8-5 daily. And it's becoming more and more unbearable to think how I would be able to enjoy the rest ... years before I hit the retirement age.

Being a bureaucrat/public servant/official in a developing country, is not for a sensitive person. This I realized finally when I saw an interview a mere weeks ago, between a female mayor and a famous tv host(ess). This mayor, with a rising popularity for her integrity aka her "stubbornness" to refuse to compromise with corrupt parliament, came to tear when she could not bring herself to describe the pressure she's facing. This pressure has led her almost resigning (but she apparently decided to endure), and her determination not to run for higher position (but who knows, time will tell, and people, let alone decisions, change). I, being a sensitive person myself, as a matter of course, came to tear as well.

For the 10 years I spent serving the country (cough2), perhaps there was a mere 6 months or so period in which I could call myself enjoying my work. The rest of it, I survive with distractions, sweet-lemoning way of thinking, and most of all the little-but-indeed-exist happiness that comes with security and predictability.  The 6 months period was a working period between my college graduation and my first graduate program. I was young and enthusiastic, working to assist 2 bules (ADB consultants). Setting aside the pro-cons of the foreign aid benefit to developing countries, I was really enjoying my work with them. Six months of talking English daily improved my English and that progress alone probably was a source of professional happiness. But a greater happiness was that although they were a lot older (both were presumably past their 50s or even 60s) and way higher in position and in academic level, I felt way way more relaxed than when dealing with high rank officials in the Ministry.

Until now, I still have the uneasy feeling dealing with bosses in the Ministry. After coming back from my last studying period, I earned a promotion and now in the middle manager level. I have now 14 subordinates. While I can't complain much about my relationship with them aside from my lacking skill to encourage them to work harder (we get along better in the fun side), I stil have a lot of trouble getting along with superiors.

On a heavier note, my real work challenge actually comes from dealing with sensitive and controversial issues as public policist. There are many times I feel helpless and frustrated seeing no progress or betterment in the bureacracy and the way things work around me. This statement I realize can be dangerously false. I've heard many times from the outsiders (world bank people and the likes) that actually public financial management in Indonesia has been improving a lot. Indeed, one coin have two side of a very different picture. As I can't ignore we have progresses, they are not fundamental. People's attitude toward working needs to be drastically changed, especially in the bureaucracy. Maybe obvious red-tape-ing is reduced a lot, but the more subtle yet substantial inefficiencies and 'legal' misuse of public funds remain prevalent. I need a whole book to write this issue alone.

Last year I embarked on a new journey to try out venturing the business side of me. For that, first of all I had to embrace and accept my guilty pleasure that is fashion. Lately I have been so into vintage fashion, and dressing frequently in them. So, with the excitement and enthusiasm from finding one's passion, I thought this could be the beginning of my happy ending. Alas, fast forward 6 months later (oh my God, I cannot believe myself it has been 6 effing months!), we (I've been doing it with a partner) haven't moved from the first lot/collection. Until now I am still all giddy when finding good vintages and dreaming of having a real, running well shop someday. But then, the everyday bitterness from bureaucracy beat me, as every end of the day all I want to do is just doing nothing instead of taking care of stocks and maintaining our site.

So, what is it that kept me glued in my bureaucracy chair, position? stable paychecks? a little both of them? I think the last one and a little even more. Around 2 years ago after coming back to work from study, someone lighted up that fire, made me believe that working in the government can make a good amount of difference. It could be the way to secure heaven's gate key, he said. Mushy as it may sound, I believed it. I believe that government makes a country. A good one will lead to a good, well functioning nation that in the end prosper the people. It can happen in here too and I want to take part of the change that would enable it.

The next question is, can I endure the process without getting bitter and worn out when the road seems long, winding and unending? And, where to go if the answer is no?    

Intuitive Intelligence

This post remained as draft for more than 2 years hahaha ... and I thought it's too cool to be left as draft :p

Am I developing it or what? I was going to write on it a week ago or so, now I was just thinking "it would be nice to have rain now that I am home" and it suddenly did.
Several days ago I had successive splashes of intuition or whatever more appropriate word that I may not know of. First it was about how either my mind can work during off duty, or my body accept pre-order, whichever is just amazing. I usually wake up by alarm in my iPhone set up in appropriate time for morning prayer. That morning I did too, but I saw that my laptop was still on, with the window showing that the automatic prayer call just finished its call. I was thinking how could I not hear the call (from the laptop), and woke up by the alarm only? So I did a little experiment. The next night I set my mind to be awaken by whichever will sound first, and so I was awaken by the prayer call. I was thinking that was amazing.
Second time, I was riding my old, rusty bike, which will make a very noisy sound if the lamp is put on. It was after my yoga session, so it was dark (10 pm-ish), but I didn't turn on the lamp, just brought a very small flashlight, which turned out didn't quite helpful. I forgot what's the trigger but I was thinking seriously (for the first time) to buy a bike lamp. I was thinking I've been not a very good citizen, given all the blessing I got for being here, for example not having my bike registered and all, not even have a proper bike lamp. And then for the first time in my life here in Japan, I was stopped by policemen that night. So I was really pleading guilty. I guess regret was clearly shown in my face, that they let me go, just like that. Two amazing things I could not avoid thinking. First, it's the splash of thought about the bike lamp before I got caught. Honestly, I have not thought about it nor had any guilty feeling before that bike ride night. Second, it's how it looked like the policemen could read my mind or something, that I had just made up my mind I would buy the lamp, that they let me go. Honestly, I wasn't able to display my best Nihongo that night, so it was totally a mind reading I'm telling you.
I know it might sound silly to some people. I don't know why I am so intrigued by this. And why sometimes when I really need it (there are more important matters than bike lamp, hello) my intuition just stop telling :D

My 2014 Self

Dear readers (if any),

What a long-long way since the last time I wrote here. Today, out of no clear reason, suddenly I opened this long-abandoned site, and found myself utterly amused and entertained reading my own ramblings. After all, I finally realize that my writing can have some good impact, at least for myself.

This feeling has brought me some urges to write again. Perhaps, just a tiny-tiny kind of perhaps, I could reignite that will again, the will to write, to tell stories.

That long-long way has brought me here and now, a quite distant reality compared to the ones I had recorded here in this site. My own impression from reading my past life through these posts, is that I had fun life, sociable personality, romantic view on life, and love :p, and innocence. Although from several posts I can also feel some darker days, I can almost picture field of daisies as this site's background. Looking at myself now, I don't think I can claim to have most of those traits anymore. For a couple of years I have come to enjoy a more quiet and solitary life. I dread social and (still) family gatherings, I prefer individual than team work, and I hate bureaucratic (or corporate) meetings more than before, and I don't enjoy too many friendly companies, but I do now treasure more than before: twosome companionship with significant other or a handful of friends that I can enjoy being quiet with.

Was I a closeted introvert? or now an extrovert convert? I don't know, and probably should not care. What I know now, is that people can really change. And if for some reason my reality will again change and life unfolds a new chapter for me, I will be glad if I have some records of my old self, and who knows that like today, I will again thank myself for the entertaining stories.

With that in mind, I had validated the reason for blogging. It was for myself first and foremost.

SAHABAT Foundation, Care That Empowers Others

Probably the closest Kiva version in Indonesia. Still early and in need for many more loaners. The things is, it requires that the money we put in cannot be withdrawn back in any way. So, it's more like a charity than loan, but they distribute it as loan. Sounds like a little discouragement to me but if you are willing to give charity anyway, why not this? Perhaps because it's still new and they need a stable amount of fund to distribute.

SAHABAT HOMEPAGE.Care That Empowers Others

Higher Equilibrium

I think I can start to question about the principle: “do what you want others do onto you” (or something like that, I forgot the exact aphorism, I am as I say repeatedly very bad with remembering details). What I am saying is, if that’s one way to reach an equilibrium (of a balanced relationship amongst human being), well could there be a higher equilibrium that we can aim? I think there is. And by saying higher I mean: with a more reliable characteristic, more sustainable, truer. I should say I’d rather go with: “do what your heart tells you to do”, no matter what, as long as it rings true to your heart. If everybody search the voice (which dictates our act) in the inside, I tend to believe that we all, in the end will reach a higher equilibrium, the more authentic one. Even if that’s a long way to go, I even don’t know if it’s possible to achieve, as there seems no limit to anything, but at least we are moving higher. Whereas, the first principle, although seems like more possible (easier) to achieve, it stagnates. Not to mention that I think it is almost impossible to work perfectly either.

In other words, the first principle cannot bring us to equilibrium (even in the short term) as well. There seems to be always somebody, due to some reasons, who will violate this principle, maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally, it does not matter. The latter point of view on the other hand, is always perfect, at least from the point of view of the one(s) who stay(s) true to their heart. With this point of view, even when somebody else (by general standard) harms us, when we accept it as their true being, nothing should be regretted, or considered as mistake, because it’s all dynamic (perhaps eternal) process, for all of us to go to higher level.

It depends on our point of view, really, whether to look at things in shorter or longer term, and if longer, how much longer. When you look at things in timeless (or should I say, time-irrelevant) point of view, what we do really makes no different. It only makes different to us whether we acts true or not, in other words, whether it brings us to (closer to) peace or not. I don’t know if it makes sense or not, perhaps I will laugh at it later (perhaps due to my language barrier), just feel like wanting to share. :)

Let's Join Kiva

It's been more than a year since I joined as Kiva loaner in June 1, 2010. I had pledged a target that I would make one loan each month, and now I have (only) made 6 loans, it means, it's just around half of my target. Although, I personally don't think it's that bad, well, many things (required money) happened last year, so I'm glad I still made it. I hope to make more. I think lending productive loans is a great way to help, it's empowering. A little disappointment though is how few it is loans going to Indonesia, and if there were some, it always goes to Bali, with the same type of business. I just wish there can be more Kiva field workers in Indonesia, working in other parts of the country. I'm sure many small entrepreneurs, especially from the poorest, can make great use of it.

The link to join:

http://kiva.org/invitedby/yogi5309

The importance of physics and the inexplicability of chemistry

I should probably be apologizing, that the first post after such a long purgatory *smirk* has to be a rant. But if I just promise that this will be just once (in a while :p), will it be OK? ;-) Anyway, I just thought that in a positive way, it might be healthy to be honest about being shallow and physical once in a while.
I've been more or less watching movies the whole days of these (supposedly) stormy days when I wrote this. Well, in between I was editing an article, revising a paper, and (unsuccessfully) sketching.
Billy Elliot made in to my favorite movie list. Other than that, there was my complaining, allegedly a superficial one, about how not interesting to watch Meg Ryan these days. I am trying to convince myself I am not that physical, but perhaps I must admit I actually am. Meg Ryan is probably a different case though, I mean it's not purely physical. Because I used to like her, a lot, circa Sleepless in Seattle, that later led me to become a When Harry Met Sally worshiper. Then came that awful affair and divorce, and that disastrous plastic surgery. Now watching her in movies becomes annoying. The voice, a child-like that apparently sounded cute before, just don't suit her anymore. And no matter how hard I try not to be too judging about her misguided surgery, it just disturbed me to watch her being pursued by a younger love interest (Adam Brody, he's too cute) in In The Land of Women. The only nice scenes in this movie were the ones where Olympia Dukakis was in, the rest is pretty much insignificant.
The second complain, purely physical this time, is concerning Shia Lebouf. How I could be led into watching him requires an own explanation. I mean, transformer, hello, we must know what kind of movie is that, right? It's something too obvious not to try, without even trying. I am quite judgmental aren't I, when it comes to movies, or books. Remember my rants on the likes of titanic and twilight series. Anyway, it was Carey Mulligan that brought me to him. I was watching An Education, and instantly attracted to her. Her resemblance to Katie Holmes, but without that irksome 'sneer', wouldn't it be irresistible?! And in that particular movie, her haircut reminded me of the much-loved Ginnifer Goodwin's in the recent Something Borrowed. So, I did some googling and ended up to this Shia. That they were dating. OK, then apparently this guy has a more significant movie, the sequel of Wall Street with Michael Douglas so be it, where he met Mulligan. So, I tried watching and prepared to be smitten. So, it's got to be either his acting is extraordinary or he possesses a chick-magnetic aura that he became this hype, which I, with my mere mortal eyes, just failed to see. Well, his appearance failed to glue my eyes on the screen, or even rather eluded my appetite to continue watching, that in the end, I could not be conclusive about his acting quality. Narrow-droopy shoulders, round-small face, where is the charm? Am I too demanding? I mean this is the guy, who perhaps, I don't know, everybody seems to think is hot. How he could swoon Megan Fox slightly off her then nuptial track, the current transformer's whoever girl, and this great talent and beauty of Carey Mulligan, is to me perplexing. Oh well I suppose chemistry is the most inexplicable branch of "science". My little comfort on such seemingly cruel resentment is how he seems to be too well confident on the existence of such charm, yet negligent in terms of its consequence, as implied by his tactless confession on the Foxy affair.