My Less fashionable Life as Bureaucrat

This original draft which was the 2 early paragraphs had been staying in the draft bin for so long. 

My life as a bureaucrat, that is one who works in government institution has hit 17 years minus 7 years I spent back in college/university. Fairly counted it's "only" 10 years that I have worked my ass off 8-5 daily. And it's becoming more and more unbearable to think how I would be able to enjoy the rest ... years before I hit the retirement age.

Being a bureaucrat/public servant/official in a developing country, is not for a sensitive person. This I realized finally when I saw an interview a mere weeks ago, between a female mayor and a famous tv host(ess). This mayor, with a rising popularity for her integrity aka her "stubbornness" to refuse to compromise with corrupt parliament, came to tear when she could not bring herself to describe the pressure she's facing. This pressure has led her almost resigning (but she apparently decided to endure), and her determination not to run for higher position (but who knows, time will tell, and people, let alone decisions, change). I, being a sensitive person myself, as a matter of course, came to tear as well.

For the 10 years I spent serving the country (cough2), perhaps there was a mere 6 months or so period in which I could call myself enjoying my work. The rest of it, I survive with distractions, sweet-lemoning way of thinking, and most of all the little-but-indeed-exist happiness that comes with security and predictability.  The 6 months period was a working period between my college graduation and my first graduate program. I was young and enthusiastic, working to assist 2 bules (ADB consultants). Setting aside the pro-cons of the foreign aid benefit to developing countries, I was really enjoying my work with them. Six months of talking English daily improved my English and that progress alone probably was a source of professional happiness. But a greater happiness was that although they were a lot older (both were presumably past their 50s or even 60s) and way higher in position and in academic level, I felt way way more relaxed than when dealing with high rank officials in the Ministry.

Until now, I still have the uneasy feeling dealing with bosses in the Ministry. After coming back from my last studying period, I earned a promotion and now in the middle manager level. I have now 14 subordinates. While I can't complain much about my relationship with them aside from my lacking skill to encourage them to work harder (we get along better in the fun side), I stil have a lot of trouble getting along with superiors.

On a heavier note, my real work challenge actually comes from dealing with sensitive and controversial issues as public policist. There are many times I feel helpless and frustrated seeing no progress or betterment in the bureacracy and the way things work around me. This statement I realize can be dangerously false. I've heard many times from the outsiders (world bank people and the likes) that actually public financial management in Indonesia has been improving a lot. Indeed, one coin have two side of a very different picture. As I can't ignore we have progresses, they are not fundamental. People's attitude toward working needs to be drastically changed, especially in the bureaucracy. Maybe obvious red-tape-ing is reduced a lot, but the more subtle yet substantial inefficiencies and 'legal' misuse of public funds remain prevalent. I need a whole book to write this issue alone.

Last year I embarked on a new journey to try out venturing the business side of me. For that, first of all I had to embrace and accept my guilty pleasure that is fashion. Lately I have been so into vintage fashion, and dressing frequently in them. So, with the excitement and enthusiasm from finding one's passion, I thought this could be the beginning of my happy ending. Alas, fast forward 6 months later (oh my God, I cannot believe myself it has been 6 effing months!), we (I've been doing it with a partner) haven't moved from the first lot/collection. Until now I am still all giddy when finding good vintages and dreaming of having a real, running well shop someday. But then, the everyday bitterness from bureaucracy beat me, as every end of the day all I want to do is just doing nothing instead of taking care of stocks and maintaining our site.

So, what is it that kept me glued in my bureaucracy chair, position? stable paychecks? a little both of them? I think the last one and a little even more. Around 2 years ago after coming back to work from study, someone lighted up that fire, made me believe that working in the government can make a good amount of difference. It could be the way to secure heaven's gate key, he said. Mushy as it may sound, I believed it. I believe that government makes a country. A good one will lead to a good, well functioning nation that in the end prosper the people. It can happen in here too and I want to take part of the change that would enable it.

The next question is, can I endure the process without getting bitter and worn out when the road seems long, winding and unending? And, where to go if the answer is no?    

Intuitive Intelligence

This post remained as draft for more than 2 years hahaha ... and I thought it's too cool to be left as draft :p

Am I developing it or what? I was going to write on it a week ago or so, now I was just thinking "it would be nice to have rain now that I am home" and it suddenly did.
Several days ago I had successive splashes of intuition or whatever more appropriate word that I may not know of. First it was about how either my mind can work during off duty, or my body accept pre-order, whichever is just amazing. I usually wake up by alarm in my iPhone set up in appropriate time for morning prayer. That morning I did too, but I saw that my laptop was still on, with the window showing that the automatic prayer call just finished its call. I was thinking how could I not hear the call (from the laptop), and woke up by the alarm only? So I did a little experiment. The next night I set my mind to be awaken by whichever will sound first, and so I was awaken by the prayer call. I was thinking that was amazing.
Second time, I was riding my old, rusty bike, which will make a very noisy sound if the lamp is put on. It was after my yoga session, so it was dark (10 pm-ish), but I didn't turn on the lamp, just brought a very small flashlight, which turned out didn't quite helpful. I forgot what's the trigger but I was thinking seriously (for the first time) to buy a bike lamp. I was thinking I've been not a very good citizen, given all the blessing I got for being here, for example not having my bike registered and all, not even have a proper bike lamp. And then for the first time in my life here in Japan, I was stopped by policemen that night. So I was really pleading guilty. I guess regret was clearly shown in my face, that they let me go, just like that. Two amazing things I could not avoid thinking. First, it's the splash of thought about the bike lamp before I got caught. Honestly, I have not thought about it nor had any guilty feeling before that bike ride night. Second, it's how it looked like the policemen could read my mind or something, that I had just made up my mind I would buy the lamp, that they let me go. Honestly, I wasn't able to display my best Nihongo that night, so it was totally a mind reading I'm telling you.
I know it might sound silly to some people. I don't know why I am so intrigued by this. And why sometimes when I really need it (there are more important matters than bike lamp, hello) my intuition just stop telling :D

My 2014 Self

Dear readers (if any),

What a long-long way since the last time I wrote here. Today, out of no clear reason, suddenly I opened this long-abandoned site, and found myself utterly amused and entertained reading my own ramblings. After all, I finally realize that my writing can have some good impact, at least for myself.

This feeling has brought me some urges to write again. Perhaps, just a tiny-tiny kind of perhaps, I could reignite that will again, the will to write, to tell stories.

That long-long way has brought me here and now, a quite distant reality compared to the ones I had recorded here in this site. My own impression from reading my past life through these posts, is that I had fun life, sociable personality, romantic view on life, and love :p, and innocence. Although from several posts I can also feel some darker days, I can almost picture field of daisies as this site's background. Looking at myself now, I don't think I can claim to have most of those traits anymore. For a couple of years I have come to enjoy a more quiet and solitary life. I dread social and (still) family gatherings, I prefer individual than team work, and I hate bureaucratic (or corporate) meetings more than before, and I don't enjoy too many friendly companies, but I do now treasure more than before: twosome companionship with significant other or a handful of friends that I can enjoy being quiet with.

Was I a closeted introvert? or now an extrovert convert? I don't know, and probably should not care. What I know now, is that people can really change. And if for some reason my reality will again change and life unfolds a new chapter for me, I will be glad if I have some records of my old self, and who knows that like today, I will again thank myself for the entertaining stories.

With that in mind, I had validated the reason for blogging. It was for myself first and foremost.

SAHABAT Foundation, Care That Empowers Others

Probably the closest Kiva version in Indonesia. Still early and in need for many more loaners. The things is, it requires that the money we put in cannot be withdrawn back in any way. So, it's more like a charity than loan, but they distribute it as loan. Sounds like a little discouragement to me but if you are willing to give charity anyway, why not this? Perhaps because it's still new and they need a stable amount of fund to distribute.

SAHABAT HOMEPAGE.Care That Empowers Others

Higher Equilibrium

I think I can start to question about the principle: “do what you want others do onto you” (or something like that, I forgot the exact aphorism, I am as I say repeatedly very bad with remembering details). What I am saying is, if that’s one way to reach an equilibrium (of a balanced relationship amongst human being), well could there be a higher equilibrium that we can aim? I think there is. And by saying higher I mean: with a more reliable characteristic, more sustainable, truer. I should say I’d rather go with: “do what your heart tells you to do”, no matter what, as long as it rings true to your heart. If everybody search the voice (which dictates our act) in the inside, I tend to believe that we all, in the end will reach a higher equilibrium, the more authentic one. Even if that’s a long way to go, I even don’t know if it’s possible to achieve, as there seems no limit to anything, but at least we are moving higher. Whereas, the first principle, although seems like more possible (easier) to achieve, it stagnates. Not to mention that I think it is almost impossible to work perfectly either.

In other words, the first principle cannot bring us to equilibrium (even in the short term) as well. There seems to be always somebody, due to some reasons, who will violate this principle, maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally, it does not matter. The latter point of view on the other hand, is always perfect, at least from the point of view of the one(s) who stay(s) true to their heart. With this point of view, even when somebody else (by general standard) harms us, when we accept it as their true being, nothing should be regretted, or considered as mistake, because it’s all dynamic (perhaps eternal) process, for all of us to go to higher level.

It depends on our point of view, really, whether to look at things in shorter or longer term, and if longer, how much longer. When you look at things in timeless (or should I say, time-irrelevant) point of view, what we do really makes no different. It only makes different to us whether we acts true or not, in other words, whether it brings us to (closer to) peace or not. I don’t know if it makes sense or not, perhaps I will laugh at it later (perhaps due to my language barrier), just feel like wanting to share. :)

Let's Join Kiva

It's been more than a year since I joined as Kiva loaner in June 1, 2010. I had pledged a target that I would make one loan each month, and now I have (only) made 6 loans, it means, it's just around half of my target. Although, I personally don't think it's that bad, well, many things (required money) happened last year, so I'm glad I still made it. I hope to make more. I think lending productive loans is a great way to help, it's empowering. A little disappointment though is how few it is loans going to Indonesia, and if there were some, it always goes to Bali, with the same type of business. I just wish there can be more Kiva field workers in Indonesia, working in other parts of the country. I'm sure many small entrepreneurs, especially from the poorest, can make great use of it.

The link to join:

http://kiva.org/invitedby/yogi5309

The importance of physics and the inexplicability of chemistry

I should probably be apologizing, that the first post after such a long purgatory *smirk* has to be a rant. But if I just promise that this will be just once (in a while :p), will it be OK? ;-) Anyway, I just thought that in a positive way, it might be healthy to be honest about being shallow and physical once in a while.
I've been more or less watching movies the whole days of these (supposedly) stormy days when I wrote this. Well, in between I was editing an article, revising a paper, and (unsuccessfully) sketching.
Billy Elliot made in to my favorite movie list. Other than that, there was my complaining, allegedly a superficial one, about how not interesting to watch Meg Ryan these days. I am trying to convince myself I am not that physical, but perhaps I must admit I actually am. Meg Ryan is probably a different case though, I mean it's not purely physical. Because I used to like her, a lot, circa Sleepless in Seattle, that later led me to become a When Harry Met Sally worshiper. Then came that awful affair and divorce, and that disastrous plastic surgery. Now watching her in movies becomes annoying. The voice, a child-like that apparently sounded cute before, just don't suit her anymore. And no matter how hard I try not to be too judging about her misguided surgery, it just disturbed me to watch her being pursued by a younger love interest (Adam Brody, he's too cute) in In The Land of Women. The only nice scenes in this movie were the ones where Olympia Dukakis was in, the rest is pretty much insignificant.
The second complain, purely physical this time, is concerning Shia Lebouf. How I could be led into watching him requires an own explanation. I mean, transformer, hello, we must know what kind of movie is that, right? It's something too obvious not to try, without even trying. I am quite judgmental aren't I, when it comes to movies, or books. Remember my rants on the likes of titanic and twilight series. Anyway, it was Carey Mulligan that brought me to him. I was watching An Education, and instantly attracted to her. Her resemblance to Katie Holmes, but without that irksome 'sneer', wouldn't it be irresistible?! And in that particular movie, her haircut reminded me of the much-loved Ginnifer Goodwin's in the recent Something Borrowed. So, I did some googling and ended up to this Shia. That they were dating. OK, then apparently this guy has a more significant movie, the sequel of Wall Street with Michael Douglas so be it, where he met Mulligan. So, I tried watching and prepared to be smitten. So, it's got to be either his acting is extraordinary or he possesses a chick-magnetic aura that he became this hype, which I, with my mere mortal eyes, just failed to see. Well, his appearance failed to glue my eyes on the screen, or even rather eluded my appetite to continue watching, that in the end, I could not be conclusive about his acting quality. Narrow-droopy shoulders, round-small face, where is the charm? Am I too demanding? I mean this is the guy, who perhaps, I don't know, everybody seems to think is hot. How he could swoon Megan Fox slightly off her then nuptial track, the current transformer's whoever girl, and this great talent and beauty of Carey Mulligan, is to me perplexing. Oh well I suppose chemistry is the most inexplicable branch of "science". My little comfort on such seemingly cruel resentment is how he seems to be too well confident on the existence of such charm, yet negligent in terms of its consequence, as implied by his tactless confession on the Foxy affair.

Different styles of courting, are there?

Recent dating guides I (happen to :p) read has one red thread (benang merah), which is: men are simple. There are no such thing as mixed signs. If it's mixed (to our mind) then most likely it only exists in our mind. Men are either yes or no, and it should be easy to tell.

But is it really so?

I have personal experience when somebody said I am not his type (twice, as a matter of fact), as a respond to my friend's initiative to ask him about me -since they knew I had a crush on him-, but since a wrong sms I accidentally sent to him, he finally changed his mind (or simply just opened to the truth that actually he liked me). Btw, this guy is Indonesian.

And then now, my roommate shoo-ed me to go out and respond to this Japanese guy's constant-cordial invitation, out of the reason that he might be actually courting me. I am not interested in having relationship with him, it's not the point here, but I'm interested to see where this is leading.

One of my friend said those books (movies including: He's just not that into you, and recently seen: Ugly Truth), are all made in America. And so it explains only American men's behaviors. Well, who actually knows :D

What is called stylish recently

After a while blogwalking to some fashion blogs. I conclude that what defines style recently, among others, are:

1. vintage stuff: difficult definition (I'm sure we can always go to wikipedia, but I'm just to lazy this time). So perhaps it is a piece that would bring one's memory to the past, looking stylishly old (not the general classic-kinda thing).

2. thrifted stuff: pieces from second hand shops, flea market etc. It's stylish partly I guess because of the recent eco-awareness. Also, some of stylistas thinks thrifted stuffs would allow them a discretionary against current trend, or to acquire their own personal style. As I blogwalk more and more, the trend is evident.

4. Do-It-Yourself (DIY): almost all stylistas do some DIYs. It requires creativity, and sometimes they are amazing.

5. Color clash mix and match: matchy-match color combo is not acceptable currently. Some goes to the point of hurting the eyes, but some manages to simply stand out.

6. Layering. It's not only in Japan anymore.

7. Current hypes include: geeky glasses, vintage dresses, blazers, tights and all kinds of leggings and socks, ankle boots and pump shoes that covers up to the ankle (dunno the exact term), underwear garment-inspired (like the one worn often by Dita von Teese and singer Katy Perry), various kinds of hairpiece (usually goes with the one mentioned previously, results in an appearance of a cabaret dancer), belts (big, medium, small, wearing belts defines waist), clutch.

Note: most of the current hypes do not suit me, but nevermind, I'm having fun just observing

My personal note induced by the terrorist bombing

I miss the old Indonesian way

I remember I used to secretely admire my mother when she was fixing herself in front of the mirror getting ready for a wedding reception. She would be wearing a set of kebaya[1], with the old fashion traditional hair do of gelungan[2]. That was like 20 years ago, nobody I know is doing that now.

I was born in Kediri, a middle size town in East Java, with cool breeze and delicious food specialties. In our nearby mosque I had my afternoon religion school after morning public school. Houses from where one could clearly hear adzan[3] would all be gravitated towards this mosque for a lot more activities than just for prayers. Especially, Ramadhan was really fun. People would organize themselves to bring foods in turn for ta’jilan[4]. I don’t know why the ta’jilan foods always tasted better than foods at home. My mother joined pengajian[5], which seemed to be fun with art-related activities, such as qasidah and barzanzi.

Then we moved to Solo, bigger city where my father was born. A unique city later I know is full of contradictions. I still continued the old habit of going to ordinary public school in the morning and religion school in the afternoon for some times. But the teacher and the teaching are different. My citing for prayers would then become different than that of my parents’. Other things changed too. We are not allowed to celebrate weton[6], nyewu[7], and so on, because that would be bid’ah[8] some said.

When I was in my high school, religious student group in school was getting more influencing. So I refrained from participating in sport class when they scheduled swimming. I stopped greeting Christmas to my Christian friends, because the Islamic student group launched boycott against those things. Following these I felt like I was doing something "right" according to the religion. Religion equals God I thought, so I felt the "ghirah", spirit/enthusiasm.

My aunt on the other hand, was another kind of Solonese. I lived with her for one year or so, so I noticed she was not doing 5 times a day prayers. She was a Batik painter, and she wore kebaya and jarit[9] on daily basis. She referred God as the one who’s painting red to chilies (and I thought it was amazingly true). She was fasting in different way, not necessarily during Ramadhan like us, and she hung a calendar from Pangestu[10]. She was a really kind, gentle and loving person. But still, since we thought she was not like us, we used to feel sad about her.

Last year my big family went to Taman Mini[11], and we watched a 3-dimensional movie in Keong Mas made in 80’s. There I could not help but thinking how different we had become. We have changed so much from the 80's Indonesia. Not only the development in the infrastructure, thank God we do have it some, but we also changed the way we dress, and the way we see people around us. Nobody wears traditional clothes anymore, we even criticize about school keeping in the backward culture when they insist children to wear kebaya during Kartini day[12].

Year by year this nation is changing. I was hoping that the change somehow would lead to something more substantial, the behavior. Yet I am seeing only changing in physicality, in clothes. We still rank top in corruption, we are still consumer and not producer, not even a smart follower, of world’s culture. If we used to complain against blind "westernization", I wonder why we should feel differently for the same thing of "middle-easternization" we are having now. We used to learn in elementary school how beautiful and rich Indonesia is. A country of friendly society and a unity in diversity. I want to be able to live in that beautiful notion again.

[1] Traditional Javanese style costume
[2] Traditional Javanese style of hair do
[3] Calling for 5 times-a-day prayer
[4] Food served in mosque for breaking Fast
[5] Religious study group/Quran reading group
[6] Birthday in Javanese calendar system
[7] 1000th day commemoration after one’s passed away
[8] Syncretism (?)
[9] A traditional batik cloth usually worn as bottom pair of kebaya.
[10] A Javanese spiritualism group, who practice monotheism but is not referred to any modern/mainstream religion
[11] Miniature Park of Indonesia
[12] A commemoration of Kartini birthday, who pioneered women emancipation in Java. A Muslim, dresses in traditional Javanese costume. On Kartini day, students used to hold festival and dress in various Indonesian ethnic clothes.

After a long while

After a looong long hiatus, I feel like I want to utilize this spot again. I have been having on and off relationship with this spot. Sometimes I feel like deleting it, but then at the same time I don't want to let it go. It's my first blog, and more importantly it had been recording a few but important scenes in my life.

From now, I intend to utilize this spot for opinion-related material. Things I feel like I need to say personally about something that happened outside. Or if it has to be a personal experience, I hope that what's written here would have something a bit useful (be it interesting, inspiring, or note-worthy) for others. While for more random personal posts, I will keep it in a journal here

Welcome myself again :-)

PS: I am planning to change the title though. But until I find a really mind-catching one, I will have to bear with this one.

I finally found the one

My perfect pair of glasses hihi ... I finally found it ;-)

Referring to the metaphor my friend quoted from a J-Dorama she is watching, Taxi vs True Love, I can also say that finding your true love is like finding a well-fitted pair of glasses. I have also written my comparison between true love and jacket before, here. See, I have a tendency to compare everything with love quest, a pathetic romantic of me.

Like my friend said, to find a true love, wait for a taxi, or search for an ideal pair of glasses, you need to be in the right place. I found my glasses in an old optical shop called J Boellard at Cikini, to which my doctor referred as an "accurate" glass-maker (is there a specific term for this?). She specifically warned me not to try Mangdu*, which I couldn't agree more, since I've wasted 5 pairs of Mangdu's glasses before (I used to be a Mangdu enthusiast;-p). Moral of the story is, don't try to find a prospective love in Mangdu hehehe, jk.

In any case, you need to assess first the type of stuffs, or men (now I sound like a desperate man-hunter or what;-p), you like to find, and then search for them in appropriate places. For my glasses, I didn't have any clue what type of glasses would be suitable to my face, so I just tried all that I found interesting in the shop, considering anything there would be technically viable. Now, unfortunately I can't do that with men, can I? But at least now I know I should stop hoping for an accidental meet-cute** in my daily angkot and mikrolet*** trips, hihihi ;-)


Apologize for too many stars:

* Shortened from "Mangga Dua", it's a famous shopping center, in which you can find anything at bargained price
** A term I found in "Holiday" the movie, for which you can find the meaning here
*** A share taxi similar to jeepney in the Philippines, but not that iconic

The Heart of the Matter

"I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew
I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Even if, Even if you don't love me anymore"

Those are the rhythm I've been humming for days now, particularly the 2 last lines :-P. And I was startled when I found that the song was originally by Don Henley. How can a guy sing my heart out so truly. Anyway, I like India Arie's version obviously, but I am certainly smiling on the fact that guys can actually get to sing those words too. Bravo!!

I am so gonna sing this out in my room

The After-essence of the Ruins

Another favorite quote for me from Sex and the City the Movie is: "twenties are for making mistakes and thirties are for paying for the mistakes ... " or something like that (so lazy to make research for the exact words right now), which is so true for me.

I have realized it even before hearing that line in the movie. No regrets nor substantial complaints were therefore justified for myself during the aftermath of my "true love turned disaster". I've never considered it disaster anyway until recently (but I'd better not record the details because bad memories are not worth remembering). Funny thing is, I don't feel that much anger nor hatred. My overwhelming feeling was more of a relief. No more asking what did I do not to deserve him, etc. Admittedly I have made mistake, probably the biggest one in my life and will just accept the consequence of paying for it.

While paying for the mistake, I am actually learning unbelievably valuable lessons. As Jo-Ann indicated for her new relationship, whatever the result no time is wasted because lessons are learned through it, I hope it applies for me too. One good lesson I have figured out was how to open my heart, to accept love (despite its authenticity obviously, well it's good thing that at least I am capable of loving:-p). I have never opened my heart that wide and held so tight what I thought was the most precious thing in my life before. I may have shut my heart for a while after the break that I thought I may never be able to fall in love again, but looks like it's just like riding bike. Once you learn how to do it, you'll be able to do it again just in time needed. Now, like in riding bike, the more experience, hopefully the more you skilled with the control and balance so that there should be no more fall-out.

Another lesson I am learning is that mystical concept of acceptance and letting go. Acceptance may mean accepting that things may not necessarily happen the way we expected although we have done the best to create them. It's okay that things may not fall into their places as we expected because they actually have, simply as the way they are. It may also mean accepting our weaknesses and others'. Ahh sometimes we may even get to see the beauty of those weaknesses dear, promise*!. And then, letting go will just be the other side of the coin. Let go what must go out of your hold (of course I am talking about much more important objects than my cellphone I just lost recently:-p**).

It's certainly much2 easier said that done, and it probably will take years or even my whole life before I get my aha! moment, but I hope I have made a good start.


* With Tisha's convincing tone, hello dear (hugs)
** This is my announcement that I won't be using my old GSM number any longer. On the ground that I don't wanna put my number in public spot, reach me, if you happen to have (otherwise I will be the one to reach you) through my other number, my friends.

Hairstyle of a Decade

I'm writing this because I just had my hair cut, back to this style after a several months of trying the buzz of the bob (still with some layers though). I realize I'm always obsessed with novelty. My music taste, my passion for fashion, it's so obvious. So what is it with this style that I've been keeping for more than a decade, in various length, with or without bangs, straightened or wavy, but still the same basic cut.

First I had it when I was in my sophomore year, and it was like a breakthrough for me and apparently for my then surrounding. I remember a boyfriend of one of my girl-friends told her to have her hair cut like mine. It killed me then, feeling as if I were some kind of trend-setter or something (ego3x! ... how my consciousness level was back then I could not clearly recall now).

It may be because it's the most suitable style for the texture of my hair, which is straight-to-wavy with tidiness always its ultimate challenge. This style allows me to become "stylishly" untidy. My beloved auntie used to hate it so much every time I just had my hair cut shaggy short. She said it's like some chickens had just walked over my head or something (in Javanese it somewhat makes sense). Nevertheless I always come back to this style, while at the beginning I thought it was just a short term hype, like most trends in fashion or other beauty style I've encountered.

The epiphany is, now I'm positive I can be loyal if I just find the right one*. Just give me the right style and a certain level of compatibility, with different flavors can be tried every now and then, then I can definitely stick to the end.

*Obviously I wasn't just talking about hairstyle :-P

Missing Miss J

The dragon fruit and that "watashi no kokoro wo ageru" sentence
Could you possibly forget it?
When somebody said we would be friend for life
How impossible to doubt it?

Nights and days in the library
I would in a million times repeat it if I should
Catching up the last train from Takebashi
Would you stop the time for a minute if you could

Sleeping over in Odaiba, cooking together in Kodaira every other holidays
Talking bout boys and books, watching Carrie and her friends all the way
When endless assignments and deadlines were coming their ways
You could sound grumpy, but only sometimes I must say

There you are Miss J, my favorite classmate ever
Keep your witty jokes that bring your friends into laughter
With your new path, good luck, and be happier, my dear
After all, balance is an indispensable treasure, please remember

With love,
your twin

Undepressing the Depressing Moments*

It turns out I'm too busy to search for a new place for my daily dose/scratch paper of my rambling thoughts/elusive tranquility. So, for the time being and a while, I might write even non thematic junks here.

For a couple of days I've been quite depressed, some with quite clear reasons/triggers, but there is always a little dosage of hormone gets involved. But then I found a quite effective counter attack. It's finding my sense of usefulness. Usually, when I feel a bit of stress or gloom, I would feel a glimpse of "nothing I do matters so I better just lay down and do nothing" kinda feeling. I felt it yesterday afternoon when I just woke up from a nap. Yes, a nap I stole from my supposedly on-duty-outside-office yesterday.

I notice some people (perhaps it's lifestyle magazines?) usually suggest something self indulging (or should I say selfish?), like shopping or pampering oneself in a spa to get rid of the stress or depression. But I found the effect is very temporary and even more depressing in the end when the fun is over. It's quite different if you kick your ass up to do something for others, and lose (forget) yourself in it. I don't know how to explain it better, but it was pretty practical for me. I just forced myself to get up, showered, fetched my cousin and accompanied her to find boarding house. A little thing we do for other without expecting any benefit in return. Then I forgot about all the lousy feeling and gradually felt better.

So, when you feel lousy, just stop thinking about it and start doing something not for yourself. Well it was just my one trial (or one consciously observed?) and perhaps what I did was very trivial anyway, so how can I propose this hypothesis already? Well, I really don't know, if you want to know the truth (let's start the Holden time now:-P). But, like Holden himself for example, he felt lousy most of the time, but then his turning point started from the time he stopped thinking about himself and did nice things for her little sister Phoebe**. So, it's about love (not necessarily romance) all over again.

Then when I realized this I started to think how people who never feel like they need to do anything for others without expecting return overcome their stresses, or where do they get their nice feelings from. And also, whether or not this doing things for others to feel nice about oneself should not also be categorized as selfishness. I don't really understand this myself, but sometimes it's wise not to over-analyze things either I think:-p

*supposedly it was my mental notes for my elusive tranquility blog which is about to be relocated but the whereabouts until now is still indeterminable
**Holden and Phoebe Caulfield are main characters in The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger I just finished reading

My Grandmother

"Always keep dignity and be true to yourself" Marjane Satrapi's grandma told her on the night before she left Tehran. It was a kind of my moment of truth out of the whole book. The sentence was indeed for me too, but it is the scene: sleeping with her grand mother that really stroke me.

I used to specially request to sleep with my grandma too every time I visited Kediri, a little town in East Java where I was born (hometown of my mother). Nobody would argue anyway, except perhaps my youngest cousin the only one who obviously sleeps with her every now and then (my grandma lived with my aunt's family until she died) since she said grandma's room was cooler and that she would always fan her to keep mosquitoes away. That's how nice our grandma was. Grandma lost her sight due to something I wasn't sure, but nothing really changed about her. I used to pray hard everyday for her to gain back her sight, but it was never recovered until she died. Before she lost the sight, she used to run a shop in a traditional market where we sold apparel products (it's in a traditional market, so nothing really fancy) . Before that, our big family had a small home industry where we made sarongs, and we sold the products in the shop. I used to go with her in becak (tricycle) when I was still so small (kindergarten), I couldn't remember it clearly but the splendid feeling was never gone.

When she lost the sight I couldn't really tell how she felt, because I was still small (and probably my empathy and sensitivity senses were not completely developed yet) and I was already moved to Solo, and only saw her every holiday. But I really prayed for her five times a day or more. I didn't know why it affected me so badly, her losing sight. To me then, it was like the most horrible thing to happen. Then gradually I realized she wasn't that much affected herself, she still laughed and sang (those slow-calming Javanese songs), and was all the way talkative. She would always commented or responded to any conversation she heard, sometimes it made my aunt (her youngest child who took care of her) irritated, well I notice that's the way old people do, always want to get involve in everything. But it really amused me though, I loved her so much naturally. When I was in a relationship with a guy for the first time in my life, it's her whom I told first. She was more attentive than my mother. I had difficulty to discuss my most personal business, i.e. love life to any member of my family (I couldn't figured out why it's never easy to talk about love and romance in my family). Therefore, I couldn't really tell why I got to tell it to my grand mother. I couldn't quite remember now how the discussion was, but I knew I would really remember that it is her, my favorite secret keeper.

When she died, I was already a big girl and working. I literally stumbled and fell down on something I couldn't really remember now (not fainting and all, just sort of losing balance for a second or two), and cried all the way to get home early. That was the first sad moment I experienced of losing someone whom I really love. I didn't attend the funeral though since at that time plane was not a simple luxury. By train surely I wouldn't catch the moment anyway.
She died suddenly, fell down while she just finished her morning shower. It was not an accident I believe, since as a blind person she knew by heart her ways around the house, she must have lost her balance or consciousness or something. She died without pain I believe, and she died on a friday, a day that is believed to be the holiest day in my religion.

Rhythms of Broken Heart

Lately my rhythm has been around John Mayer and John Legend. What's up with these two Johns and good lyrics. Listen to these:

John Mayer's:
I'm Gonna Find Another You:
" It’s really over
You made your stand
You got me crying
As was your plan
But when my loneliness is through
I’m gonna find another you ... "

When You're Dreaming with a Broken Heart:
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can't hardly breathe ..."

John Legend's
Save Room:
"This just might hurt a little
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right
Don't be afraid of a little bit of pain
Pleasure is on the other side ... "

It just so happen that all of them are about broken heart, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm in that particular state of mind...yea right, drama queen :-P

Taste, Book, and Fashion

I can say we can almost judge people by their taste. But it should be a taste that is established based on the process of mind cultivation and knowledge. For example when I look at my self over the course of time, I see a clear development of taste, which now I presume also reflects my growth. In my early adolescence I read books from Sidney Sheldon to Karl May. I know, it was Sidney Sheldon and I thought I was cool already :-P But I would still say I was advanced than the rest of my friends who were still dwelling with their Enyd Blyton series, or with no books at all. I love Enyd, and as a matter of fact, I would perhaps still enjoy a Sidney Sheldon book, I just don’t buy it, if I like to indulge such a guilty pleasure, I decide that I would just borrow it.

Now, after a busy-with-social-life period of my life, this couple of years I have gone back to books. And when looking at my bookshelf now, I couldn’t help but wonder on how far my choices have evolved. And they do reflect a gradual-profound change inside. Let’s see, I have moved on from enjoying Amy Tan (years ago) to Arundhati Roy to Garcia Marquez, to Jhumpa Lahiri, and now still obsessed with finishing the complete series of Jane Austen’s novels. I have, in between, spiritual thingy books, most of them left unfinished, like Rumi and Bhagavad Gita (but hey, spirituality is understandably fluctuating, isn’t it) and now want so bad to taste a bit of JD Salinger (quite late, now I know, but still, I don’t want to get even older before I can get a grasp of Franny and Zooey). I also have Soseki Natsume and Virginia Woolf, which I couldn’t finish even after several trials, but not quite giving up yet. And among those which are not even started are Haruki Murakami and Kazuo Ishiguro. I can’t quite name all those books in the shelf, but that’s pretty much my collection now which I expect to stand to the test of time, and not wanted to be erased from the memory of having collected them.

I buy books like I bought clothes during the time I got obsessed with fashion not so long ago, with passion. I was ecstatic when I found a Toni Morrison and a Natsume Soseki in mint condition for only 35 thousand in a second hand bookshop in Bandung. Couple of weeks ago, I was having a weekend in Bandung and I did not, I repeat … DID NOT visit any single FO …horrayyyyy!! I can almost kiss myself for that. So instead of roaming around Dago or Riau for some pieces of Marc Jacob’s or Michael Kors’ knock-offs, I went to readinglights, where they sell imported magazines and second hand English books, and plus they have a shinsetsu-goodlooking-bookwormic SA, who passionately tried to look for another Soseki Natsume for me. He must have landed in his dream job for being that nice to customer.

When it comes to fashion, I don’t know how to describe my taste. I remember a dear one was saying at first he found my outfits were weird (note: I already used layering even before I went to Japan) but then he grew to like them. I do follow fashion trends to the degree of having it for knowledge purpose so that I know what to choose from. I dare to try something new and sometimes cross some lines and risk myself a faux pas (but never with regrets since at least I gain knowledge of whats-not to wear again). If I have to describe my taste in fashion in short, it’s like this (provided money is not a constraint): I would rather buy a beautiful one-of-a-kind Batik or fly to Hanoi to buy Vietnamese’ cheap but lively crafted hand bags than splurge on a premium designers’ dress or a branded bag with obnoxious monograms.