I just realize I'm not singing anymore

I don't know why, and I don't know if it's going to be a permanent change, which I would consider as a defect of me. I don't even realize it until this morning in the bathroom. I'm not singing again, not in bathroom, not when I feel happy nor even when I went karaoke-ing a couple of times here, I lost it...really.

Bad Morning Day

Yesterday I was so eager to write a post about the incident I experienced in the morning of that day. Then I got so busy at the office that I didn't have really time to sit and write (for a blog post).

I have been jogging every-working-day morning now. I started it last week, and although I got a terrible stomachache (that I had to be taken home by my friend from the office after an almost 4 hours of throwing up everything I was trying to swallow), I still go on with the morning jogging (I am in fact rather proud of myself about this, considering I'm not so crazy about sporting).

So, yesterday was the 3rd jog I had, and I was enthusiastic by the fact that I wasn't arguing with myself whether or not I should jog that day. I took the opposite direction from the previous route (Actually, I just run a square-shaped track of road circling thef block where the house I live located on), but there was nothing special about it. Although there were only few people who should have already waken up by that time in the morning, yesterday some men were sitting and talking by the side of the road (which is not so uncommon here). I was having a dag-dig-dug (slightly faster heartbeat that you can feel) when approaching these bunch of (from afar looked like middle aged) men. And when I just passed them for a second, and almost felt relieved, one of them just shouted: "hey little sister, be careful, don't leave your butt behind". Agghhh I was so pissed off ... and disappointed that my fear was true. At home I checked if my jogging pants were too tight or seen through, but they were fine (I hate it when I realized that I almost blamed myself for looking for such trouble!)

Some people whom I told the story did not react the way I expected. Most of them think that it was just a bad joke and told me not to think about it too seriously. Somebody (from whom I was trying to look for some comfort) even said something like: it's because you're attractive, gosh...I hate him for the moment when he said that. I want to believe that he meant only compliment, but it could also sound like another kind of male-to-female offense.

I think when people start to think that kind of incident is not more serious than a joke (in Japan I could earn a million yen out if this), then we may have a serious problem with our society, or there just nobody care anymore?

PS. This morning I just felt lazy to get up early and run, but tomorrow I will start again and not let myself beaten by such bad joke.

On Return to My Country

I was back to my country at last. Although I cried at Narita, I never thought of my leaving-Japan so much before I arrived at my country for couple of days. Probably before my departure day, I was denying that my dreamy life has an ending, and then it finally reached to its end.

I was in Jakarta for several days before going to my hometown where my parents live and the majority memory of my childhood comes from. It was absurd that I found Jakarta much more annoying than I remember a year before when I came back for vacation. But that is why I don’t really believe that it was factual, I suspect that it was from my biased view, which was more influenced by my own state of mental and emotion. I did not catch any cold (which is a periodic and usual physical challenge for me) nor got thieved (which is not an extraordinary incident in a wild city like Jakarta). Could it be a sign of an improvement, I don’t know, but what I know was that I felt Jakarta was frightening (the feeling which I, compared to most people I know, never felt that bothering before).

When I visited my hometown for several weeks, I found some peace. I made myself busy taking care of my parent, who were fine like they always are, and our old house, which was helpless. I never have been bothered staying in that house except because of that house itself. You must think I am a spoiled kid, but actually I am not, it is my parent who has an unlimited patience, so for them a feeling such as disappointment of that house is still unthinkable. Later on, I will write about my parent, extraordinary people whom I love the most in this world.

When I’m back to Jakarta (for the second time I started to chill again when I took the bus from the airport), I got little amused by a small reunion, with my most respected Prof. Asanuma, in a vintage restaurant, named Kembang Goela (meaning: candy, gpicked by Fau from the reference of famous Jalan Sutra of Bondan Winarno). Once again, I got reunited with the Hitotsubashi people in Jakarta.

When suddenly my sister said she was going to Bali, I couldn’t think for other reaction except, I want to go with her. My eldest sister, despite of her snappishness, always fond of companies, let alone from a sweet little sister like me (please don’t throw up). So off we go to Bali (that was before the bombing, and I went to eat in one of the restaurant which was exploded later on). There were breath-taking things happened along the ways and during the days, probably I should tell them in another enty.

Back from Bali, I still feel that anxiety when I saw the streets of Jakarta. But I was sure that I will lose it again in time. Only time heals all wounds and erases memories. Slowly then I would be able to reconfigure my life.

Re-introduction* (Post-Hybernation)

It has been so long since the last time I wrote on this blog. There were so many things happened during my hibernation days. Those that I really want to share but I can’t, at least not at this moment. There were times that it felt like it was the hardest time in my life, but I must say that it also felt like the most interesting period of my life, a mental, emotional and at the same time a spiritual journey (whooahh)

I decided before, that I gave up blogging already, but just these past few days, I suddenly got this urge to write again. My first reason is that I miss my friends so much, but somehow I can’t reach them anymore, not directly. I’m not complaining about this, let alone blaming my friends for not being able to be reachable for me. It is myself who is so consumed by my own solitary thoughts, which has never been mine before (sshahh)

Therefore, I’d like to say my warmest hellos for Tisha and Jo-Ann in Manila, are you girls still with me, and Nyai in Tokyo, hope you’re doing fine with your study. Honestly I’d like to reach everybody else, but it was just the three of you that I know are reading this blog (bhuhuhuuu)

Secondly, I just read this book published from a very popular blog of an Indonesian youngster, very interesting. Not that I have an ambition to be able to publish a book out of this blog someday (that would be an annoying copycat, at least I want to have an original ambition, please).

So here I am, in this second day of 2006, starting my blogging again.

(it’s kind of surprising how I like this name despite of my just-occassionally-read-the-manga degree of familiarity to this name)
(* I first thought of resurrection, because I declared the death of this blog before, but I don’t like that word because it remind me of Alien, the movie… sorry but Ijust don’t like that movie)

intersections

ni oku en (200 million yen), thats the most expensive MAP (mutual agreement procedure) case handled by tax accountant worths. in average one case worths 30 million yen. tax accountant is one of the most wanted career here. i knew a japanese guy who gave up his old career and start taking tax accounting lecture in his late twenties, but that time i didn't know that he was just being rational ...

department of psycology in university, my (male) friend said, is one of the best place to find a good candidate for future wife. it may sound silly, but it may be true. a psychologist can be unattached to a fixed job, thus makes her more flexible, as in adjusting to husband's requests. sounds like a mere male-chauvinist's argument, but there might be a small grain of truth in it ...

lawyer is one of the most-earning job in my country nowadays. plus, as seen in a lot of lawyer-as-hero themes in american movies (look at allymacbeal, or even the accidental hero erinbrokovich), it seems like the money is just a good side payment for them ...

at least those three paths were once crossed my "only-smooth-sailing-life" path i've been having. every now and then small doubts come, but summing all up I think I cannot be happier than now. it's just good to realize that GOD gave me those incredible offers, THANK YOU ...

ps. parts of the summing-all-up process can be traced throughout this blog as my poor attempt of summing-all-up. GOD... looks like I got too absorbed by Dan Brown's Digital Fortress that I just created a rotating cleartext sentence ... ;p

y---

Apple and Orange

Love, love, love again... sorry to Jo-Ann, now I think I've been posting too much about love ;)

Exactly like a quotation I found from Bartleby dot com (thanks to Izumi): A spring of love gushed from my heart, and I blessed them unaware (Samuel Talylor Coleridge). A forbidden love, the apple... how do you go about that?

First, like any other love, it makes you feel good. But you always have something in the back of your mind. The end is coming imminently and the pain will be for sure. Or probably that's what makes it so fun. The excitement of breaking the rules, racing with time before it really ends.

I've always thought I'm tough, a bit emotional yes, but always decide using the brain eventually. But now, the pull from the emotions seems just as strong as my brain processor, or even stronger I don't know.

At first place, I'm a patheticly indecisive person. It's hard already for me to buy apple or orange (literally saying, because I love all fruits ;p) in the supa, let alone choosing a delicious apple (which I actually don't favor more than orange in reality but you know what I mean) over a sour orange.

At some point I blame him for making me go through this trouble, but one of my friend (who is actually reiterating what my brain has been telling me) says that I created this problem myself. I let this happen. It's all up to me, I'm the king (queen doesn't sound almighty enough;p) of my destiny.

I know what my brain has decided, but my heart seems to go the other way still. So, which way to go then, the weight of the pain and pleasure are not that clear yet.

A Happy Snowing Ending

Five days in Wako campus, an NTC intensive course on International Tax Treaty Negotiation. Quite interesting lectures was given by Prof Komamiya of Niigata University. My joining the NTA practicum on taxation was not much of a fun this 2 semesters passed. The decision for me to join was solely Prof. Asanuma’s discretionary authority. One of the reasons I suspect is that we have no other more suitable candidate that year, so there was I, a scapegoat. But of course I was honored too, I mean I am not a tax officer, never deal any tax matters before, and zero background about this thing that will come in certain other than death (Adam Smith’s quoted).

While seeing other participants were almost all too knowledgeable for me to compete, I would also have to spend a lot, as the venue of the classes would change every now and then and many times we would have visit in far away places. And for me, by my own expense, while other students as they all sponsored by World Bank, which is the reason why this course was held at first place. Plus, the class (may be just for me, because I don’t have enough background to begin with) was sooo boring…zzzzz… All the effort during the semesters had to be completed by a research paper, which I was expected to be just a wishy-washy, but turned out to be quite serious (as my advisor ‘advised’ me that with my topic I would never meet the committee’s expectation of a good research paper, well… can’t help it). But I was (and probably still, a little miracle will be nice…) hoping for a nice reward after all of this trouble, after all this will give me 4 extra credit, so grade does matter.

And then comes this nice break. While I would have had a long relaxing spring break by this time of the year, now I have to put effort in listening to this treaty, which I would may never have the chance to apply it in the real life (doesn’t mean those treaty negotiators do apply these theories and rationales while making the deals, I wouldn’t know what they actually do while making the deals). But then the lectures were quite interesting. The lecturer’s factor I guess play important part. I wouldn’t be able to imagine had not it’s him who delivers the subject.

And then while staying a week in this asylum (what would you call the place where no internet within more than 100 meters available in Japan?) at night we were craving for entertainment. So 3 nights in a row we went to karaoke, ended by a get-together karaoke party with senseis. Some people do change characters while holding mic (Shimizu, 2005), but it was fun. Today, we’re checking out, and there it was white cotton (snow as called by Nyai) were dancing in the air (why it’ always so spirit-lifting while seeing great beautiful nature phenomenon…?)

Sad moment: when Mega had to leave and went back to Indonesia because of inconvenient news she just received. A hunch she must have been having, after harsh criticism on the unavailability of the internet, finally she managed to open her mails through keitai, and there was it the worrisome news. I hope everything will be fine for her.